Fck the Fat

I’ve completed the 5-day-attack phase with -8.8 lbs! Nice success, although I know most of it is water. :)

It’s far more better than I expected, the test said I should do a 3-day attack and lose 2.4 lbs. I extended the phase to 5 days and lost 8.8!

Today is the first day of cruise phase. God I missed eating vegetables! :) Everything is fine for now, knock on the wood.

The only negative thought: God I look hideous, I must do something like pilates! And more harsh cardio, definetely more than 30 mins stationary bike! Where the hell are my dumbells hiding?! :/

I’m doing the Dukan Diet right now.

I started my journey on 17th September, now I’m on my 3. day of the attack phase and I have already lost 6 pounds with the help of first two days! Proteins are a real blessing for me, although I also miss my vegetables, especially eggplants.

According to the test I should do a 3-day attack, but I’m curious what can happen if I’ll stretch it to a 5-day phase. Is it possible to lose more? We’ll see…

I’m not a big fan of that test, I’m told that my goal weight should be 132 lbs. I was hoping for a 121. :(

Experience the dizzy sugar rush, then hit the bottom hard. That’s the summary of binging for me. I can’t comfort myself, I haven’t found any other way yet. Fck me.

I feel like fck, really… He’s my biggest motivator and demotivator. Well, demotivator for most of the time. We read a magazine together last night, a huge mistake! Because he doesn’t ever miss the opportunity to look at other thin women and show them to me as examples, role models. How I should be but I’m not.

I’ll lose the fcking weight, be healthy and you’ll pay for every hurting word of yours. Every bit of word you used to hurt me. I feel like I’m bleeding inside.

I let him use me. I’m being used. All I want is be loved by him. He says he loves me. But he doesn’t want me like that. I should be better. Or else… Fck me for being such a lazy fat ass.

I’ll show him and everyone that I can do this. I can be fit. I can be lighter. I can make heads turn. I can find a good job. I can win this game… Pffff…..

Stop listening to those fcking depression songs, move on and start writing your damn report instead of whining here and drooling over thinspiration photos. Loser.

Feeling cold… I should have taken care of myself more. I’ll take vitamin, don’t know if it’s too late but better than doing nothing.

Health is the most precious gift a human can have. I must take all the responsibility and protect it. Who am I to give up and let everything slip away? Nope. Gotta take control.

Maybe I need to soak my feet in warm/hot water to invite this month’s period over. If it doesn’t work no worries - they need a pedicure anyway.

I’m all alone on this losing weight subject. Tomorrow bf will ask me my weight again, get furious and say “Even I lost some, how come you haven’t lost some weight!?”. Fuck him for treating me like that. Like shit.

I ate tons of unnecessary things, not the serious stuff I’d like to eat. Chocolate, cookies, pasta, ice cream, crackers, chips, beauties full of fat and sugar… Nope. It’s like I’m still dreaming of them and waiting for my period just to have an excuse to binge.

Feeling sad… I miss him so much and want to see him all the time. But his actions and comments hurt so much, take away all the desire and happiness from me. He’s all like “Well what I say is logical and true, you should lose it to become healthy I don’t want someone like that in my future.” etc. Might be true but it hurts! and it’s so rude… I can’t get over the words. I remember almost all of it. He crushed my dreams. I try so hard to heal myself and save my dreams about future, about us. He doesn’t notice my effort or worse: he doesn’t give a damn. That’s unfortunately more likely.

And being broke makes it harder for me to feel adequate, to feel content and happy. I can’t suggest going somewhere because I can’t even offer to pay this time. Men should pay, I accept that as a fact but I would feel better if only I could make the offer.

I always visualize my dreams. That way I feel like they’re achivable, reachable. But thanks to him, I can’t dream about us anymore. He crushed and brake almost everything, I’m lying on the floor bleeding, broken glass all over the place. How can I achieve our happy future if I can’t dream about it? How? How can I lose the weight, where is the point of pushing myself and trying harder if I can’t be happy at the end, if I can’t marry someone I love, if I can’t have a husband who will (should) love me no matter what my size is. :( Depressing thoughts…