I’m all alone on this losing weight subject. Tomorrow bf will ask me my weight again, get furious and say “Even I lost some, how come you haven’t lost some weight!?”. Fuck him for treating me like that. Like shit.
I ate tons of unnecessary things, not the serious stuff I’d like to eat. Chocolate, cookies, pasta, ice cream, crackers, chips, beauties full of fat and sugar… Nope. It’s like I’m still dreaming of them and waiting for my period just to have an excuse to binge.
Feeling sad… I miss him so much and want to see him all the time. But his actions and comments hurt so much, take away all the desire and happiness from me. He’s all like “Well what I say is logical and true, you should lose it to become healthy I don’t want someone like that in my future.” etc. Might be true but it hurts! and it’s so rude… I can’t get over the words. I remember almost all of it. He crushed my dreams. I try so hard to heal myself and save my dreams about future, about us. He doesn’t notice my effort or worse: he doesn’t give a damn. That’s unfortunately more likely.
And being broke makes it harder for me to feel adequate, to feel content and happy. I can’t suggest going somewhere because I can’t even offer to pay this time. Men should pay, I accept that as a fact but I would feel better if only I could make the offer.
I always visualize my dreams. That way I feel like they’re achivable, reachable. But thanks to him, I can’t dream about us anymore. He crushed and brake almost everything, I’m lying on the floor bleeding, broken glass all over the place. How can I achieve our happy future if I can’t dream about it? How? How can I lose the weight, where is the point of pushing myself and trying harder if I can’t be happy at the end, if I can’t marry someone I love, if I can’t have a husband who will (should) love me no matter what my size is. :( Depressing thoughts…